Thoughts on a Monday morning

Thoughts on a Monday morning

I don’t really know where my head has been recently. But it felt right to come type it all out. Haven’t wrote out my thoughts in a while.

I know I don’t need to rush life, and everyone has their own journey. But I feel like I can’t keep up. Not compared to other people, compared to where I wanted to be for myself. I have so many ideas and things I want to do, and get excited about doing, but then don’t actually do it.

I feel like I spend more time planning and thinking about all these video ideas in my head, than actually creating them. I don’t make enough of a consistent effort -> obviously don’t get the videos done that I’ve planned for that month -> feel like a failure and resent myself -> feel discouraged and waste more time. Instead of just focusing on one at a time and executing it properly.

I’ll have a whole game plan in my head and then get home from work and most of the time want to just chill and not have do anything. But then I regret and blame myself for not getting my shit together and actually staying on top of my projects.

I overwhelm myself with the possibilities of all the exciting, amazing videos I can make. And then weeks go by and I realize I still haven’t edited footage that I was so excited about putting together. Or I’ll do something amazing and think oh damn I totally should have filmed that, that would have been a fun video. But then I think no ‘live in the moment’ you don’t have to film everything. So, I don’t.

But then I go in circles of feeling like I have so much footage I can edit into videos, to feeling overwhelmed because I’m so behind on all the video ideas I have. Then life just keeps happening and the months go by and I’m like no waaait I had like 6 videos I wanted to put out this month and 5 last month. But I think that’s my problem, I make too many plans that are impossible to stick to and then I’m surprised when I fail.

I am aware this probably seems like a major first world problem. But to me it’s more than just Youtube videos, it’s about finding a balance in my life. I don’t know how to make it better. I have all these amazing ideas and then something stops me from following through and just making it happen, with no excuses. I’ll be motivated and excited and then by discouraged because my laptop takes so damn long to load.

I guess it’s hard balancing trying to make Youtube videos while also having a full-time admin job that by the time you get home from you’re super drained. But making videos and having them to watch after I’ve created them brings me so much joy. Or at least it did when I was in a better routine.

So why do I not just get my shit together and focus? Allocate time and make it happen. I guess I haven’t made it as much of a priority as I should have. I think I need to be marking out set times to edit and get my work done, even if it feels like I want to do nothing when I get home. Because doing nothing for so long eventually ends up being a massive waste of time even if it feels like you need it.

I’ll plan to spend the night editing and then something comes up and I feel stupid for putting real life aside for editing a video. It makes me feel bad choosing to get my videos done instead of spending time with people. But then I’m mad at myself when I haven’t been productive and have no content to post.

Not just with editing/ filming but with working out. Fitness used to be my way of keeping my life in my control. I worked out every day and as much as my gym sessions felt like therapy to me, it had too much power over me, in a negative way. So I’ve been working out how to balance that too.

I’d  go from working out all the time, to not wanting to work out at all. I battle to find that happy medium of working out consistently for 3-4 days a week. I’ll do it and then when I miss a few days feel discouraged and stop going and then end up back where I started.

I think the most important thing I need to learn, is that no matter how inconsistent life can be, we need to be consistent with ourselves. That yes, we should be able to have fun and relax, but if you end up resenting yourself for slacking off too much you’ve got to reevaluate things. By allocating set hours you’re going to be productive not only will you end up feeling better and accomplished, but you’ll consistently be working on something you’re choosing to focus on.  If that makes any sense.

Life is inconsistent. But that doesn’t mean you should be. One week we may have no plans and one week may be super busy. But you need to make a solid plan on the non-negotiables in life. I need to put myself and my goals first. Because my friends won’t be happy knowing I’m resenting myself for not achieving my goals.

When you make the time to work towards the goal, you get there faster. No shit right? Sometimes it doesn’t seem that simple. But it is. By making the time, you’ll actually get it done, and therefore have more time to socialize without feeling resentment for not using your time to be productive. There is always another night you can drink wine and have a girls’ movie night.

Don’t get me wrong, enjoying your life is so important and I’m not saying put everything aside to get your goals done. Just prioritze and actually focus on staying consistent. Don’t forget about what you wanted to achieve. Be someone that you would be inspired by. Balance is key. Keep going.

XXXXX

 

 

Embrace the Uncertainty

Embrace the Uncertainty

Somehow it is almost December, and the last month of 2017. I feel like I’ve learnt a lot about myself this year. I don’t quite know how to explain what i’ve learnt, but I just feel like I’ve finally grasped the concept of giving yourself more power in your own life. You have the power to do what you really want to. You have the power to make the effort or not make the effort. You have the power to decide how you let your morning affect the rest of your day. You have the power to control what you do with your life or what you don’t do with your life, and it doesn’t need to revolve around other people unless you want it to. You do not need to prove anything to anyone, you are enough.

Everyone is on their own unique journey and working it out for themselves as they go. You can’t compare your chapter 50 with someone else’s chapter 129. Recently I’ve given a lot of thought into what do I really want to do with my life and where will I end up living. I spend too much of my life worrying. Worrying about when I’ll be living in the same city as my family again. Worrying about missing my little siblings grow up and not being there for them. Worrying when i’ll be able to catch up with my best friends in South Africa for longer than a day or two. Worrying about wasting time where I could be elsewhere.

I know I will always have some ‘worry’ in me, but I feel like i’ve some how breathed in new “embrace the uncertainty” air. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later on. All the experiences, mistakes, lessons and laughs are all parts of chapters in your life. Some bad, some good, but all a lesson. I look back on so many memories and remember some times where it felt like it was the end of the world, but life just goes on. I also look back on absolutely incredible memories where only later on do you realize their significance and value.

I wish I could hold onto some memories and just never let go.  That’s why I’m learning to live in the moment and appreciate what you have now, because I know I’ll look back and wish I made the most of it. There is no point of dwelling/ living in the past just as much as there is no point stressing about what hasn’t even happened yet.  “Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything becomes possible.”

One of the only things constant in life is change. I don’t want to look back in a few years when I reach 30 and think about how I spent my 20s worrying about my future. I want to use my 20s to find myself, to learn how to truly live in the moment, go on adventures and travel, to work hard and save up, to be productive and achieve my goals, to challenge myself and accomplish things I didn’t think I could. I want to try my hardest to set myself up for my best life possible, but also let myself be human and live a little.  Not every day can be perfect, but make the most of your life and your circumstances. Have faith that it will all work out.

Who knows if I’ll ever know why I won a greencard in the D.V lottery. Who knows what my life would have looked life if I didn’t and I was still in South Africa. Who knows what made me think I had had the courage to move across the world and leave my family and best friends.  Who knows if I’d be the same person I am today if I didn’t have to go through those life changing experiences.  But I believe there always has to be a reason even if I don’t know it yet.

 

Image result for embrace the uncertainty