Embrace the Uncertainty

Embrace the Uncertainty

Somehow it is almost December, and the last month of 2017. I feel like I’ve learnt a lot about myself this year. I don’t quite know how to explain what i’ve learnt, but I just feel like I’ve finally grasped the concept of giving yourself more power in your own life. You have the power to do what you really want to. You have the power to make the effort or not make the effort. You have the power to decide how you let your morning affect the rest of your day. You have the power to control what you do with your life or what you don’t do with your life, and it doesn’t need to revolve around other people unless you want it to. You do not need to prove anything to anyone, you are enough.

Everyone is on their own unique journey and working it out for themselves as they go. You can’t compare your chapter 50 with someone else’s chapter 129. Recently I’ve given a lot of thought into what do I really want to do with my life and where will I end up living. I spend too much of my life worrying. Worrying about when I’ll be living in the same city as my family again. Worrying about missing my little siblings grow up and not being there for them. Worrying when i’ll be able to catch up with my best friends in South Africa for longer than a day or two. Worrying about wasting time where I could be elsewhere.

I know I will always have some ‘worry’ in me, but I feel like i’ve some how breathed in new “embrace the uncertainty” air. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later on. All the experiences, mistakes, lessons and laughs are all parts of chapters in your life. Some bad, some good, but all a lesson. I look back on so many memories and remember some times where it felt like it was the end of the world, but life just goes on. I also look back on absolutely incredible memories where only later on do you realize their significance and value.

I wish I could hold onto some memories and just never let go.  That’s why I’m learning to live in the moment and appreciate what you have now, because I know I’ll look back and wish I made the most of it. There is no point of dwelling/ living in the past just as much as there is no point stressing about what hasn’t even happened yet.  “Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything becomes possible.”

One of the only things constant in life is change. I don’t want to look back in a few years when I reach 30 and think about how I spent my 20s worrying about my future. I want to use my 20s to find myself, to learn how to truly live in the moment, go on adventures and travel, to work hard and save up, to be productive and achieve my goals, to challenge myself and accomplish things I didn’t think I could. I want to try my hardest to set myself up for my best life possible, but also let myself be human and live a little.  Not every day can be perfect, but make the most of your life and your circumstances. Have faith that it will all work out.

Who knows if I’ll ever know why I won a greencard in the D.V lottery. Who knows what my life would have looked life if I didn’t and I was still in South Africa. Who knows what made me think I had had the courage to move across the world and leave my family and best friends.  Who knows if I’d be the same person I am today if I didn’t have to go through those life changing experiences.  But I believe there always has to be a reason even if I don’t know it yet.

 

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Thoughts on a rainy day

Thoughts on a rainy day

I feel like I have so many thoughts in my head I want to write about and I don’t even know where to start, as usual. It’s been so up and down in my head these last few weeks I don’t really know what to think, and that’s okay. I’m working it out. I feel like some days I can conquer the world with my confidence and I love inspiring people and making them smile. And then some days I question everything and beat myself up about not being able to actually take my own advice. I love to listen to people and I feel like I have had a lot of life experience that does seem to inspire and motivate others. I feel like I know what I need to do to be happy and acquire self-love or in general the positive and happy ways we should live our lives; but actually implementing them into your own life and making yourself a priority is a struggle at times.

I go from thinking I know exactly what I want to having no idea what I’m going to do with my life. I know life is what you make it and I’m so grateful, but I feel like I just keep getting stuck in a cycle of feeling like I have my shit together and then being completely lost. Which I guess is just a part of life. I’m starting to realize the only thing constant thing in life is change, and that the ups and downs are inevitable. What really matters is how you let tomorrow affect you and how you let your thoughts and actions control your life.

There is no point in ‘what ifs’ because if it was meant to be it would have. Point blank. With jobs, relationships, experiences; if it was meant to work out it would have. No matter how much you allow yourself to over think or wish things went differently, you need to value yourself enough to know your worth, be yourself, accept reality, and keep moving forward. If it didn’t turn out the way you expected or wanted it to, let it be a lesson you can learn from.

Trust that your life will work out the way it’s meant to – but stay focused, have fun, work hard, be ambitious, and most importantly take action. Have a goal and make it happen, because literally no one is going to do it for you. This is something I’ve struggled with as even though I do consider myself a pretty independent person, I still battle to get certain things done for myself by myself. You have to take responsibility over your life and get things done for yourself. I’m the biggest procrastinator and it sucks but eventually it hits me that I’m only making it harder for myself by thinking anything is going to get done if I don’t get my shit together and just make it happen.

For example, I still don’t have a car here. I’ve spent months and months looking at options online and I know I need to just go into a dealership and choose one, make it happen, and I’ll finally have a car in Atlanta. Cars are something I’m not particularly interested in so I can admit I’m ignorant when it comes to knowing what to know when buying a car, and I’m not about to buy any car and get screwed over, so not being able to independently handle the task and get it done just frustrates me more to the point where I have procrastinated and avoided just making it happen. It also doesn’t help that I can only look on weekends and it just never seems to work out then. I know once I actually make it happen my life will be monumentally better as I’ll finally be free and have my independence from Uber and the train.

It’s a stormy day in Atlanta and here I am pondering and rambling on about life. I’m proud of myself and what I’ve achieved over the years and I’m so hopeful for the future, but my new project is really focusing on living in the now. Appreciating what I have without expecting more. I need to get into a better routine of self-love and taking responsibility. I don’t only want to inspire others but I want to be able to inspire myself. I want to wake up and be excited to start a new day with a positive happy outlook, not snooze until there is literally no time left to sleep, get ready and go. I want to be someone who is comfortable by herself and who doesn’t need others to determine their happiness.

You can’t just find happiness, you need to create it with your thoughts and actions. Be ambitious, be kind, be humble, be adventurous. Make your life and your happiness a priority, because at the end of the day no one can love you if you don’t love yourself.

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Struggles with self-awareness

Struggles with self-awareness

Here goes another happiness vent to myself.

First off, never regret anything that once made you happy. You can miss the person, the memories, wish things were different; but there is no point in wishing it never happened or having regrets. Everything is a lesson and part of your journey. Sometimes it’s not just about people and how they feel, but the timing that is significant. You can have two people who adore spending time together but it can’t work if you ultimately want different things, have other priorities, or different perspectives.

It is so important to be aware of your own happiness. Sometimes we quickly start relying on those who bring happiness into our lives, and it feels great. It is an amazing feeling having someone/ people in your life that make you happy and excited for new adventures in life. But what we can’t forget is everyone is fighting their own battles. Everyone is in a different mindset and stage of their lives. Sometimes it’s hard to not take things personally. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, months or even years to really accept and make sense of certain circumstances.

We are human. It is okay to not know how we feel, it’s okay to have a bunch of feelings, and it’s okay to be confused or even numb. This morning it really hit me that my happiness hasn’t been as big of a priority of mine as I thought it was. I thought about my awesome job, how I finally have my apartment, how much I’d been looking forward to having my own space, how I actually get to go home in two weeks! I finally had the things that I thought would make me happy but then why am I feeling like this? I realized I’d been making excuses and depending too much on other things for my happiness, instead of living in the moment, appreciating each of my accomplishments and focusing on the positives in my life.

You can have everything and still not be happy, so even though it is good to have things to look forward to, we can’t just depend on those things to make us happy. What it comes down to is that it is vital to ultimately take a step back and look at the bigger picture. We need to break it down and focus on these key aspects:

  • You control your own happiness. Literally no one can make you happy if you don’t value your own happiness. Even if you think they make you happy, if you’re not happy without them bringing you happiness then you need to work on yourself and what you can do that makes you happy.

 

  • Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is going to get you closer to where you want to be tomorrow. Every day you have choices to make. Focus on your goals and if what you’re doing isn’t getting you where you want to be, then change it.

 

  • If you feel like you deserve better, you probably do. Don’t expect anything to change if you don’t. Don’t settle or justify anything because of how it used to be. We can’t always get what we want, but we have to be aware and have the self-worth to know when we do deserve better.

 

  • Never force anyone to make a space for you in their lives. If they want you in their lives and truly know your worth, they will choose to create the space. Sometimes you need to forget what you feel or how it was, to remember what you deserve and what you actually want.

 

  • It is what it is. You can beat yourself up thinking about how it coulda /shoulda/ woulda been but that’s honestly not going to get you anywhere. Once you accept the reality and how everything happens for a reason whether you believe it now or not, you will be more at peace. Your mind will eventually accept the reality but it is your heart that requires time to heal.

 

  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. All your struggles will make you more appreciative. All your achievements will make it worth it. All the mistakes will be a lesson. When you look back at your life you won’t remember every single time something made you cry, or how hard some days were. What you will remember is how you overcame your struggles, how the hardships made you grateful for the good times, and how even though it wasn’t always easy you can look back at know it made you a stronger person who focussed on the positives.

 

Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, so instead of focusing on the storms we need to look at the bigger picture and understand that even a flower needs rain before it can bloom.