Struggles with self-awareness

Struggles with self-awareness

Here goes another happiness vent to myself.

First off, never regret anything that once made you happy. You can miss the person, the memories, wish things were different; but there is no point in wishing it never happened or having regrets. Everything is a lesson and part of your journey. Sometimes it’s not just about people and how they feel, but the timing that is significant. You can have two people who adore spending time together but it can’t work if you ultimately want different things, have other priorities, or different perspectives.

It is so important to be aware of your own happiness. Sometimes we quickly start relying on those who bring happiness into our lives, and it feels great. It is an amazing feeling having someone/ people in your life that make you happy and excited for new adventures in life. But what we can’t forget is everyone is fighting their own battles. Everyone is in a different mindset and stage of their lives. Sometimes it’s hard to not take things personally. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, months or even years to really accept and make sense of certain circumstances.

We are human. It is okay to not know how we feel, it’s okay to have a bunch of feelings, and it’s okay to be confused or even numb. This morning it really hit me that my happiness hasn’t been as big of a priority of mine as I thought it was. I thought about my awesome job, how I finally have my apartment, how much I’d been looking forward to having my own space, how I actually get to go home in two weeks! I finally had the things that I thought would make me happy but then why am I feeling like this? I realized I’d been making excuses and depending too much on other things for my happiness, instead of living in the moment, appreciating each of my accomplishments and focusing on the positives in my life.

You can have everything and still not be happy, so even though it is good to have things to look forward to, we can’t just depend on those things to make us happy. What it comes down to is that it is vital to ultimately take a step back and look at the bigger picture. We need to break it down and focus on these key aspects:

  • You control your own happiness. Literally no one can make you happy if you don’t value your own happiness. Even if you think they make you happy, if you’re not happy without them bringing you happiness then you need to work on yourself and what you can do that makes you happy.

 

  • Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is going to get you closer to where you want to be tomorrow. Every day you have choices to make. Focus on your goals and if what you’re doing isn’t getting you where you want to be, then change it.

 

  • If you feel like you deserve better, you probably do. Don’t expect anything to change if you don’t. Don’t settle or justify anything because of how it used to be. We can’t always get what we want, but we have to be aware and have the self-worth to know when we do deserve better.

 

  • Never force anyone to make a space for you in their lives. If they want you in their lives and truly know your worth, they will choose to create the space. Sometimes you need to forget what you feel or how it was, to remember what you deserve and what you actually want.

 

  • It is what it is. You can beat yourself up thinking about how it coulda /shoulda/ woulda been but that’s honestly not going to get you anywhere. Once you accept the reality and how everything happens for a reason whether you believe it now or not, you will be more at peace. Your mind will eventually accept the reality but it is your heart that requires time to heal.

 

  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. All your struggles will make you more appreciative. All your achievements will make it worth it. All the mistakes will be a lesson. When you look back at your life you won’t remember every single time something made you cry, or how hard some days were. What you will remember is how you overcame your struggles, how the hardships made you grateful for the good times, and how even though it wasn’t always easy you can look back at know it made you a stronger person who focussed on the positives.

 

Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, so instead of focusing on the storms we need to look at the bigger picture and understand that even a flower needs rain before it can bloom.

Dear Future Lee

Dear Future Lee

I originally wrote this post 22 days ago but ended up deleting it and keeping it as a draft. I figured it was something I could read without having my vulnerable words open to everyone on the internet. I hadn’t looked at it since, until this morning. I felt like I wanted to write but I didn’t have the words to express how I felt. Then I saw “Dear Future Lee”.

 

I wanted to write this for myself, and for anyone having a rough day who just needed some reassurance and positivity. No room for judgements here – if no one reads this but me from time to time then this served it’s purpose.

What you are feeling is temporary. Right now, something is bothering you and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is letting it impact your entire day, not realizing and being aware of what is bothering you, or expecting things to change that are ultimately not going to.

Take a deep breath. No don’t just read this, actually breathe… Stretch. Drink some coffee. If you didn’t have time to do your yoga this morning make sure you do it tonight. Listen to some Bob Marley or Kendrick Lamar depending on what mood you’re in.

It is normal to not constantly be happy, you are allowed to feel down at times. What is important is being able to reflect on it and be aware that just because something is bothering you in this moment it doesn’t mean everything else in your life sucks.

Look at what you have accomplished this year. You moved to Georgia knowing a single person that isn’t even in your life anymore and barely was to begin with. You managed to make your trip to Europe with your best friend a reality. You worked hard and it paid off; you have an amazing job. You’re moving into your apartment this weekend.

Yes, you get so lonely.  Yes, it’s confusing and really shitty at times. But ask yourself if you actually believe that anyone would find this easy? You’ve got to take a step back and give yourself more credit. You need to be surrounding yourself with positive vibes and people who genuinely care.  Step out of your comfort zone. You always used to.

There will come a time in your life where you realize that it really was all part of the journey. All the hardships will make you more grateful. It won’t just be something you have to keep telling yourself but it will be your reality.

The things that upset you now will be insignificant. There is no point in wasting time thinking about what could be. Who knows where you’ll end up in the world. You do what makes YOU happy. If you aren’t significant in someone’s eyes then they aren’t worth your tears. Don’t force anything.

Understand that your mind has a way of leading you to believe that your insecurities and fears have power over you. I promise you, give it a couple hours and trust me it will be okay. No I don’t mean wait and your problems will go away, but it will allow your emotions to calm down and your thoughts to become more rational.

You don’t need to ignore your feelings or try push away the pain. Understand that it is temporary.  Life will work out the way it is meant to. It is what it is and everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know what the reason is yet. Listen to your heart but don’t let it take complete control of your emotions.

You are only twenty-three. Yes, you’re not an eighteen year old anymore but that doesn’t mean you have to have your life together now. Most adults still don’t know what they’re doing. So stop being so hard on yourself and forgetting about all the good in your life as soon as things seem shit. You are better than that and you know it.

Breathe. You are worthy. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve to put yourself first. So next time you’re feeling down, confused, frustrated or just having a shitty day – just remember you are a bad ass, you’re doing a good job,  whatever you’re feeling is temporary and if it isn’t then you need to make a change.

I’m posting this because if I feel like being able to read this really impacted how I felt today, then maybe it could help someone else needing it. I took the time a few weeks ago to write down words that reassured me and that I knew I could read when I needed to and feel more calm and secure. A lot of it is very personal to me but it goes to show that having positive affirmations can help put things into perspective when you need it. It’s important to understand that you control your own happiness.